Decoding Women: Classification Breakdown

Yesterday I posted a Facebook status update declaring that the first man to accurately decode the female mind would become a billionaire. I know what you’re thinking; that’s a rather broad statement and a man couldn’t possibly break that code. And if he were to attempt to break said code, he would have to make such preposterous generalizations that he couldn’t possibly be able to include every woman everywhere.  And you’re right. This post will include many a generalization. There will always be exceptions to these “rules”. Those exceptions are what I’ll personally be on the look-out for. If you feel you’re one of the exceptions, please take a moment to fill out my Girlfriend Application. I’ll get back to you within 7-10 business days.

Anyway, without further adieu, here is Part One of my attempt to break that code:

1) Miss Gold-Digger: I believe almost everyone knows what I mean when I say gold digger. This is a woman who is out for one thing – money. She will date men who are wealthy with the sole intention of being the benefactor of said wealth. Gold diggers will get involved with men whom they feel are below them in the looks department; all in the name of “love.”

2) Miss Feminist: These women are all about women power. Equality is a must for them and sometimes it’s hard to play the traditional male role because of this. They take offense to you doing nice things for them – for instance, opening a door. She’s a woman, hear her roar, she could have just as easily opened that door. Don’t think about buying her flowers either.

3) Miss Converter: This type of woman will try to convert a man in some way, shape, or form. Is he into guys? She will make it her personal mission to attempt to get him to like her more than just friends. Does he do something she doesn’t like? She’s going to make it her personal mission to change him. In her mind, it’s all a game. She thinks she’s the game master and she’ll be able to win. The problem here is she’s up against a man. Men are simple creatures and she’s likely over thinking everything.

4) Miss Mommy: I’m not talking about an actual mother here. Though, she could be a mother, too. What I’m talking about here is a woman who wants to mother an adult male. She takes nurturing to the next level.

5) Miss Party Girl: This one is a wild one. She rarely has a weekend free because she’s always out on some other adventure with her girlfriends. Good luck competing for time with a party girl; she’s far too busy living a wild lifestyle for you.

6) Miss Jealous: This girl is jealous of EVERYTHING. It doesn’t have to be just jealousy of you speaking with another woman. She wants all of your time all the time. This type of girl could also be considered an attention whore. Dangerous.

7) Miss High Maintenance: These girls will require you to spend either a lot of time or money (sometimes both) in order to keep them happy.

8) Miss Chameleon: You have to be extremely cautious around these women. They will say or do things that make you think they like the same things you like. The “chameleon effect” will wear off over time though. Eventually her true colors will show through and things she once “liked” all of a sudden irritate her and are the source of heated arguments.

I’ve only listed eight different classifications of women here. As you well know, there are MANY more types than the ones I’ve outlined here. For my next installment of “Decoding Women” I’ll share with you some of the more “positive” types of women.


About John Shue

Just a normal guy in pursuit of happiness.
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4 Responses to Decoding Women: Classification Breakdown

  1. Mindie says:

    It seems like the type of women you listed are all bad. I would have to disagree. I am neither of those and sometimes women are many different things. I agree that we are very complicated creatures but I also believe, with the guidence of the Holy Spirit, a man can begin to understand us. We were made the way God wanted us to be. But yes, there are those bad seeds but there are also bad seeds in men as well. And trust me, I know about all of that.

    Women do sometimes crave too much attention but I believe that there needs to be a healthy balance. But most of the time what men sees as needy, women sees as wanting to spend time with the one she loves or cares about. Just sayin. =D

    • John Shue says:

      Miss Mindie, thank you for taking the time to read this post. I’m just getting started on my project to decode women and unlocking the mysteries that surround the female mind and thought process. I don’t claim to know everything, but in my next few installments of “Decoding Women”, I’ll be writing about my personal experiences and observations. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with my observations and theories.

  2. Jess says:

    Except for Miss Feminist (which maybe should be Ms. Feminist) I think we could put a “Mr.” in front of these titles for our experiences with men too! I read your reply to Mindie and look forward to your follow up.

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