If you’ve been following my blog, or know me at all, you know that I’ve been struggling with this whole divorce thing for awhile now. Before I delve into this story though, I just want to preface it by saying that if you’re going to judge me, you may as well just close the window and move on. This is my story, my life. I make decisions based on what I think is best for me. If you’re a friend and want to know more, feel free to continue reading.
It’s been well over a year now that Amber decided that she no longer wanted to be with me and moved out. That was December 8, 2010. Since then we’ve gone back and forth several times as to whether or not we should go through with the divorce. I’ve always tried to remain open-minded about the whole thing. Forgiving her several times over in the name of love. She claimed she was confused and wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted, so I backed off and gave her some space and some time to think about things.
Last month she contacted me and asked me if I would like to hang out. Of course I said yes, I wanted to do anything I could to have my family back. I went over to her place one night and we watched the movie ‘Courageous’. It was a great movie and we had a good time just hanging out, spending time together, watching a movie like we had done thousands of times before. A couple days later we were talking about it and she said that she really missed me and really missed the good times that we share when we’re together. I told her that she could change that by making a simple decision. She said that she knew what I meant, but just wasn’t sure. She said that she would like to take things slow and see where they went from there. A couple days after that she and Rolen spent the night at my place. Just hanging out and talking with her again made me realize exactly what I had been missing. Those were the days I missed most. Not the fighting or arguing, the times when we got along and really enjoyed each others company.
Amber and I hung out a couple more times last month. Nothing too serious, just a few hours here or a couple hours there. I told her about an upcoming trip to Florida that I was going on and that I was going to be flying there and might need a ride to the airport. She volunteered to take me to the airport to see me off. The morning of my trip came and she and Rolen took me to the airport just like we had discussed. We got there early, Rolen still in his pajamas, and we had breakfast before my flight. We talked, not about anything in particular really. Just sitting there having breakfast, listening to Rolen tell his stories. It came time for me to go through security to get to my gate and we exchanged hugs. I gave Rolen one of the good hugs, the kind that makes his eyeballs pop out (those are his favorite.) I gave Amber a hug and she said “Be safe, I love you.” I’m not sure if it was just one of those natural reaction type of things or if it was the fact that I was flying and that wasn’t something I did every day so the perceived danger was heightened that made her say it, but nevertheless it was comforting to hear. Something that I had longed to hear for so long. It made my heart warm, even if it was just for a little while. Amber and Rolen left, and I passed through security and got on my plane.
Amber and I exchanged messages back and forth while I was on the plane (thanks to iMessages and on-board wi-fi.) I don’t remember exactly what was said in the messages, but the mood was light and we were doing just fine. I got to Florida safely and I let her know I had arrived. That’s when things went drastically south again. Amber told me she didn’t have any plans and she would be able to talk to me and keep me company while I was there, since I was on this trip alone. My texts to her went unanswered for most of the night and into the next morning. When she did finally respond, we were once again back to arguing about what she was doing and who she was with. It was at this point that reality set in and I realized that nothing had changed with her at all. She was still being the same deceptive Amber that I had grown to know. As the days passed, and the arguing continued, she finally said what I had thought about her for quite some time. She sent me a message that said “I just think we want two different things…I want to be me by myself I’ve never not been in a serious relationship.” That was it. It explained everything. One of the most selfish things I’d ever heard (well, read, since it was in a text message.) It was at that point that it was made loud and clear to me. I knew exactly what I needed to do. There would be no more back and forth arguments about whether we would get divorced or not. I told her that when she came to pick me up, she needed to have the divorce papers with her for me to sign so I could turn them in.
My last day in Florida I had sent Amber a few text messages confirming that she was still going to pick me up. She said that she would pick me up from the airport, but she did not want to talk about us at all. I told her that was fine, I wouldn’t say anything to her at all if she didn’t want to hear me talk. All I asked was that she brought the finished divorce papers so I could get them turned in. I also asked for my golf clubs back that her dad borrowed quite some time ago, but I still haven’t gotten those back. Anyway, she said she would have the papers with her and she told me that she had them filled out a couple weeks prior, she was just holding onto them because she didn’t know if she really wanted a divorce or not. Well, at this point that decision was no longer up to her. I had heard all I needed to hear about her and her selfish ways. I was beyond fed up with her games.
I arrived back in Indy at a quarter til nine and I sent Amber a message letting her know I had landed and had my luggage. She picked me up in front of the doors and we were on our way back to town. She had asked me earlier if I could give her some gas money and I told her I would. I handed her $20 as we were driving down the road. Not much was said on the ride home. She was busy texting someone as she was driving. I asked her who she was texting and she said that it was just one of her girlfriends. Of course I don’t really believe that for one minute, but that’s neither here nor there. While we were cruising down the road in silence, emotions began building up inside of me. There was so much I wanted to say, but I knew that I had promised her I wouldn’t talk about us. I just wanted to hurry up and get home and get this ride over with.
She pulled off at an exit and I asked her what she was doing. She said that she needed to get gas right then and there. We pull into the gas station and that is when I lost my cool. The silence on the trip back from the airport had gotten the best of me. Her texting someone while driving had driven me nearly insane. As she pulled up to the gas pump, I unleashed some verbal manslaughter upon her. In retrospect, the things I said were very hurtful and shouldn’t have been said at all. But at that time, that was exactly what I was after. I wanted her to hurt like I had been hurting. I took my money back and grabbed my things as I exited her truck. I walked into the gas station and watched her drive off. Knowing that I had accomplished what I set out to do, getting my point across. I sent my sister a message asking her if she could pick me up. She said that she would be on her way to get me (thank God for sisters!) As I was sitting there, I started to replay the events that just took place in my head. I immediately felt bad for what I had said, but it was too late, I had already spoken the words. Spoken words can never be unspoken. Feelings felt can never be unfelt. I sat there and stared at the divorce papers until my sister arrived. She dropped me off at home and I went inside, I just laid everything on the floor and went to sleep.
The next morning I woke up and stared at the papers some more. The words staring back at me didn’t seem real. But just as real as you’re reading this, I read those papers over and over again, and it was real. I knew what I had to do, I just didn’t know if I could do it. I had things to do for the next couple of days, so the papers just sat on my dresser, untouched and unsigned by me. It wasn’t until yesterday morning that I picked the papers back up. I mustered up everything I had and took the paperwork to the Sheriff’s Office to have them notarized. As I signed the paper I could feel the pen get incredibly heavy. I asked myself if I was really ready to do this. At that point, it was too late. My signature flowed out of the tip of that pen and the lady took the paper, filled out her portion of it, and embossed it with her notary public stamp. It was done. It was signed. Now I had to drive them to the courthouse to turn them in. Feeling completely defeated, I walked up all three flights of stairs to Superior Court. I handed the papers to the lady working the desk and she looked over them, making sure they were filled out completely and correctly. Nonchalantly, she looked up from the paperwork and looked me in the eyes and said “Anything else I can help you with?” I asked her how long it would be before it was finished. She said the judge would look over the papers and sign them within a few day. Just like that. The past few years of my life were discarded and dissolved just like that. It’s over.