So…yeah…I’ll be divorced soon. Divorced. Divorced. Such a “bad” word that just saying it leaves a disgusting taste in my mouth. When I first think of myself as being divorced I think, “Wow, really? Am I that bad?” “Could nothing I do change her mind?” The short answer to both of those questions, as I’ve found out, is a blaring “NO!” Never in a million years did I think I would be divorced…EVER!
Regardless of what I say or do, her mind is made up. She’s needing to find herself and she wants to be able to make herself happy. I’m still not certain what that’s supposed to mean exactly. Anyway, the events that have transpired over the past several years cannot be changed. They’ve happened just as they were meant to happen. In retrospect, I’m glad things have happened the way they have. First of all, we had a son together…that’s pretty amazing! I wouldn’t change that for the world! We’ve created a lot of really good memories together. Memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Intertwined in those great memories though, were a lot of heartaches and headaches, for both of us I’m sure. While I can’t really express what it was she didn’t like about me or what broke her heart, what I can express are the feelings I’ve felt along the way.
In the beginning, like I said before, things were great. Everything was happening like I wanted it to, albeit a little faster than “normal”, I was still enjoying everything nonetheless. I’m not really sure at what point things started to go sour in our relationship though. The one thing I do know and can tell you, is that there were two vitally important aspects of our relationship that were lacking. Trust and communication. Communication and trust. It doesn’t really matter which goes first, they both played off of each other. Without communication, we couldn’t have full trust. Without full trust, we couldn’t have open communication. Now, with that being said, let’s go ahead and add another rather important ingredient – money. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn’t it? Now let’s recap. What we’ve got is poor communication about money, little trust with money, and little money to begin with. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always like that. It’s something that happened slowly over time. Something that I didn’t see coming until it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. But by then, it was too late. What had been done was done, there wasn’t any going back.
Some things happened, and the details, while juicy and full of sustenance, aren’t really something I feel the entire world needs to know. Anyway, after those things happened and we “talked” about them, she decided it was best if she moved out; that was almost four months ago now. I say “talked” because we never really talked much face-to-face. Most of our communication was done via text messages. Let me tell you, if you find yourself doing most of your “communicating” with your spouse or any other important person in your life through text messages – STOP NOW! At least pick up the phone and CALL them. Even better than a phone call would be in-person conversation. It is impossible to read inflection in a text message. Things can be misinterpreted and simple harmless sentences can be like daggers through your heart! You need that human interaction to get the full message. Things like body language and tone of voice play a very important role in communicating your message effectively.
So right after she left, I found myself spending hours upon hours sitting in the house in silence. Thinking all kinds of thoughts without any regard for sleep. Some thoughts were good, some were bad. Reminiscing on the memories we’d created and looking through old pictures. I nearly wore out our wedding album looking at it so much. Then it seemed like for every good memory I recalled, I could recall an argument that we had much more vividly. For some reason in my mind all of the recent bad things were overtaking the good things that we shared. I couldn’t get past all of those things that she had done to me that were like spikes driven into my heart. I found myself with hundreds of questions, but not a single answer. I turned to a few friends asking them their opinions. I tried to give them the full story, but I couldn’t really express her feelings or thoughts about everything, so I know they were only getting my side of the story. My friends were great, helping me with a few of the questions I had. But there were still questions I had that only she could answer. Some of those questions I still don’t feel have been answered to my satisfaction. All I could get was an “I don’t know.” I’ve finally come to terms with not knowing her reasoning for a lot of things. I’ve drawn my own conclusions based on the facts that I have and the things that I’ve seen. Obviously my conclusions have a hint of speculation in them as well, but I’ve come to find out that my speculations (gut feelings) are typically right more than they are wrong.
As time goes on, things are getting easier. As cliche’ as that may sound, it’s true. I still find myself longing for her companionship from time to time. Even through the bad times, we’ve remained really good friends. Some people might wonder how that is even possible, and I’m not sure how to really explain it, but at the end of the day, regardless of what we fought about, we are still friends who care about one another. Well, I guess I can’t say for certain whether or not she cares about me. I know I care about her and I know that she says she still cares about me, contrary to some of her actions. Even after she left I found myself genuinely worrying about her. Hoping that whatever she was doing, she was safe and stayed out of harm’s way. One of the things that has made this journey a little more bearable for me was me turning to God for answers. I was seeking answers from her, from friends, from family; but all along, He had the answers already. I just needed to know how to listen to those answers.
She and I have had a couple of heart-to-heart conversations in the days since she left. We talked more openly about things than we had been able to in the past. I still feel that there were some reservations, but I was happy with the results. I think those conversations aired out a lot of stuff between us and in doing so, it kind of started to repair that open wound in our relationship. Like I said, I’ve finally been able to come to terms with the whole divorce thing. I realize that’s what needed to happen in order for me to be where I am now in my life. My relationship with our son has grown leaps and bounds stronger just because of the sheer amount of one on one time we spend together. I think that our conversations revealed some flaws in me that I’ve since fixed. I now feel like I have a lot more to offer for any future relationships that I might be a part of. And most of all, I feel like I’ve become a better person overall.
Finally, this open wound that was in our relationship is beginning to heal. Right now the wound is still kind of fresh but is beginning to scab over. Eventually, with a little more time, a scar will form and replace the scab. Just as the scar tissue that grows on your skin is tougher than the skin that surrounds it, so too will this emotional scar be tougher for me. I have become a better, tougher, more knowledgeable person because of this experience. And even if this life experience was all I was taking away from this marriage and subsequent divorce, I would still say it was well worth all the heartache and headaches. Luckily though, I am taking so much more from all of this. I have an amazing son, a good friend and I am closer to God than I have ever been!
“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” – Matthew 5:31-32
The bible offers up quite a bit on the topic of divorce as far as a man divorcing his wife, but very little on when a wife divorces her husband. I think that’s because back then, only a husband was allowed to divorce his wife. Either way, basically the only real reason a couple should divorce is in the case of infidelity. I only know what I’ve been told by her and she assures me that she has remained faithful this entire time. All I really know is that in the beginning, this is NOT what I wanted at all. But that was me being selfish about a lot of things. Divorce completely rips families apart; it causes huge inconveniences for everyone involved, not just the husband and wife. But now that I’ve had some time to think about things, I’ve come to the realization that if this is what’s going to happen, then it must be His will. And you know what? I embrace that fully. Who am I to question His plan?